|Little ornaments with our babies dates and short poem.|
This is an incredibly hard post to write. I have honestly not talked to that many people about my miscarriages(besides Dad). I have too hard of a time. But I feel like there are so many women suffering in silence and wanted to share my story.
We have lost 2 babies through miscarriage. One in between J and C(baby a), and the second between C and K(baby b). We found out we were pregnant with baby a when J was about 10 months old. I had just stopped nursing him, so it really came as no surprise that we were pregnant. J's pregnancy and delivery went text book, PERFECT! So we had no reason to think otherwise with baby a. We told everyone as soon as we could, we were so excited! We surprised the grandparents by having J wear a "big brother" onsie. J was a big baby so our doctor always like to do quite a few ultrasounds with me(he was 10lbs and 22 inches and was 2 days late). We got to week 11(half way through) when doc wanted to our ultrasound and make sure we were actually at that week.
So excited to show J his new baby sister or brother, we dressed him up and got his diaper bag ready. Called everyone to tell them we were going to go see when baby a was due. Since I was technically still in first trimester they had to do a internal ultrasound. Laying on the bed so excited, we saw an image I will never get out of my mind. Sometime in the weeks before, baby a's diaphragm had not fully developed. This caused baby a some serious complications. We knew it was not good when the tech would not talk to us and walked quietly out to get the doctor. Doc came back in and had me sit up, I honestly didn't want to. I didn't want to hear this message. Dad had already figured it out, I didn't want to let myself. Baby A had passed away... I shut down. We ended up decided to have a D&C, they fully sedated me, so we stayed in the hospital until I was able to keep food down. I think we got home around 2am the next day.
Baby b was a little different. We had just found out we were pregnant a week earlier. While I was at work I started to bleed. We honestly don't even know how far along I was with baby b. I just remember telling my boss(a great friend, thankfully) "I can't go through this again". At the hospital they checked me out, but the doc said I had either already lost baby b or I was still OK and we were just really early in pregnancy. I was not bleeding super heavy enough to confirm I was loosing baby b. This put a small shimmer of hope in me. Dad was driving truck and was miles away, but he did his darnedest to get home as quickly as he possibly could. That night as my two precious babies (J and C) slept, I went in early(way early) labor and delivered baby b at home. There was no way to get to the hospital and honestly they could not have done anything about it. Baby b was way too early. They figured I was only 6 weeks.
You really realize how precious life is. I was sent a card from a lady at church. She had just lost her 30 year old son to cancer. She wrote a line in there that I will never ever forget. Loosing a child is hard, it does not matter if they child is 30, 3 or still in utero. You become attached to this child as soon as you know you are pregnant. There are some people who do not understand this(unfortunately some of those people were close to us at the time).
J in his infinite wisdom of a 4 year old(we have always told the kids they have 2 baby siblings in heaven) informed me one night, "Mommy it is OK, God has a rocking chair. He rocks our babies! And when God is busy, the Angels help watch them." His words have meant more to me then what anyone else has said! Kids see it stuff as it truly is! I love that!
I am blessed that God has given us 4 earthly babies and 2 angel babies! We know that our 2 angels are watching and waiting for us in Heaven!